A Critical Feminist Phenomenological Inquiry into Voicing through Silence

Abstract

This is a critical feminist phenomenological inquiry into my experiences of fear, doubt, hesitation, and courage to voice as a domestic violence survivor. From childhood to a traumatic intimate relationship, the people around me decided for me and dictated what to do, how to speak, when to speak, even what to say when I speak. I was never heard. For my dissertation, I have decided to inquire into the ways my voice has evolved, moments where I experienced an untangling, a releasing, and a stepping into my own voice. Through phenomenological journalling, voice recording, AI-assisted imaging, and vocalizing experiences, I learned that voice is ... inherently silent; it does not require sound to exist, nor does it require others to exist. It is always already there. Voice does not need to be spoken, to be exchanged through words, through languages, either on paper, or in speech. Voice can be a gesture; a look, a stance, a tilt of the head, a subtle desire, a hesitation, a halt, stillness... Voice can be visible or invisible. Voice moves you, it moves, too. It shifts places. Sometimes it is in your throat, sometimes in your gut, sometimes in your eyes, and sometimes it is a deeper connection to something more-than-I. Voice flows, and yet stands still, too. It can be disguised, hidden; but it never disappears. Like water, voice ebbs and flows. This is an inquiry into voice and voicing, in terms of understanding what contributes to its felt presence and its moving nature. My intention in engaging in this research is to inspire and liberate others who struggle with feeling their own voice; to share with them that their voice is as long as they are.